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December 04, 2006
What's in a name?
Hundreds of years ago, Shakespeare mused through the lovely Juliet, "What's in a name?" Hundreds of years later, I find myself in a similar pickle. OK, we're hardly talking ancient family feuds, forbidden love, and a joint suicide pact, but as a modern working woman with an established career and identity, I am faced with the the age-old question of "Should I take my husband's name?".
As a young girl. I was no different from other girls my age; flowery, flowing script on my school book covers and notebooks of my name coupled with my true-love-of-the-moment.
Mrs. Jessica Monroe
Mr. and Mrs. Monroe
Mrs. Jessica Steward Monroe
Jessica S. Monroe
Mr. and Dr. Monroe
And so on.
But then I got older, and got me a fancy education at that giiiirls' school, and got a job and got older some more and finally got engaged and suddenly realized, at 30 years old, I wasn't so sure if I was excited about changing my name. Was I ready to give up being Jessica Steward to become Jessica Monroe, aka Mrs. Brendan Monroe?
The reality for me is that I don't feel comfortable changing my name at this point in my life and it is perfectly legal for me to keep my name as it is today. Putting aside legality, there is still an unspoken (and sometimes spoken) pressure to make the change anyway, even though it is more and more common for a woman to keep her name. As one can imagine this is a sensitive topic for some and many have very strong feelings on what the "right thing" is to do on either side.
The upshot is that I understand in our culture, some women change their names so they can signify they are part of a new family and everyone in that new family shares that name. I also understand that some women don't want to be influenced by our patriarchal society, or be perceived as chattel or a second-class citizen, and choose to break from that tradition. I've thought through it and discussed it enough that I understand the perceived implications and complications on both sides of the fence and try to be sensitive to the choices that each person makes as related to their situation.
And since this is really about my new family, when working through this in my own mind, I of course asked my intended for his opinion on the matter.
"Do you want me to change my name?"
"No. That's weird. I don't own you or anything. Did you want to change your name?" (He is such a feminist.)
"No. And since I'll be giving birth to our children, they'll have my name of course." (Testing limits commences.)
"Wait a second. That doesn't seem right."
"Well, how about whoever is the primary caregiver - you know picking them up from school, etc. - gets to give them their last name."
*Silence* (He knows this will probably fall to me since I have the car and they will love me more.)
"Well, how about you change your name to my last name."
"No way."
"How about we pick a completely new last name, like go back to "Mulroe" since that is your grandfather's real last name."
"Uhhhhhhh,, I don't think so." (Trying to be diplomatic, but clearly not going to happen.)
"OK, so you want to keep your name and acknowledge that it would be weird to take your name, since you don't own me, but you want the kids to have your name - even though I am the one carrying them in my womb and giving birth to them, nursing them, and so on- thus marking them as yours. Am I getting that right?"
"Thas' right."
So, long story short - I'm keeping my name, personally and professionally (Ms. Jessica Steward and Mr. Brendan Monroe) and when we decide to have kids we will reevaluate the situation.
To tell the truth, I'm really pushing for us making up a whole new name that we all take together- "Monstew-Ardroe" has a nice ring to it. I'm sure Brendan will love it.
Posted by jessica at December 4, 2006 04:16 PM